Family
Married? Then This Radical Fact Is for You
Here's what the real key to satisfaction is.
Here’s a radical fact: Not all marriages are happy. And they don’t have to be. What matters is finding ways to feel fulfilled, valued and emotionally connected.
When I married at 39, I had no illusions about love. I’d never been a romantic, never believed there was one person for me, and never subscribed to the notion that marriage was forever no matter what. I did believe it was important to grow as an individual and as a couple, to be really clear about our expectations for ourselves and each other, and to talk everything out.
Daryl and I have been married for 24 years now. While there were difficult times — when he was flourishing in his career and I was not, for example — we made it through.
An informal discussion with a group of women married 45 years or more revealed a variety of feelings and beliefs about marriage, including, “Marriage is a vow no one should dare question;” “the grass is not greener on the other side (of divorce);” “the alternative (single-hood) is a hassle” and “rough patches are just a phase to get through.”
A review of online sites where older women gather to find support suggests that many feel disconnected, disappointed, angry or trapped by the constraints of their relationships. In a 2023 study conducted by Bowling Green State University, the divorce rate for women 65 and older was estimated to be 6.7 per 1,000 women, up from 1.4 per 1,000 in 1990: a four-fold increase over a 33-year period.
What is driving discontent? Sometimes a history of poor communication is to blame, but unforeseeable challenges can also crop up late in life, creating a strain on a marriage: mental or physical illness, difficulties with grown children, accidents or financial trouble, incompatible sexual interests and new sexual interests outside of the nest.
Research indicates that marriage plays a significant role in the emotional well-being of older adults. It also shows that women tend to be less happy in long-term marriages than men, and, sadly, that poor marital quality is a strong predictor of loneliness and depression.
Many disillusioned women wonder if it’s possible to find or rediscover a healthy sense of self within their marriage. Is it possible to find peace inside a long-term marriage where there is seemingly little to redeem the relationship? Is there a way to let go of expectations, rekindle emotional intimacy and quell loneliness?
The answer is yes, if we are willing to shift our expectations and reevaluate how we perceive contentment and satisfaction.
Dr. Terri Orbuch is a relationship therapist, distinguished professor at Oakland University, and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great. In 1986, she spearheaded "The Early Years of Marriage Project,” which would track 373 newly married couples for over three decades; the project is still ongoing.
I reached out to Orbuch to ask her about some of the more serious challenges she sees couples facing in long marriages, and to get her thoughts on how women can thrive, even in relationships that are not ideal.
Frustration and boredom are the most common complaints Orbuch hears from long-married couples. She points out that many [older] women were taught to believe that their husbands should be everything to them, which is a setup for disappointment. Letting go of the expectation that our partners should fulfill all our needs, from intimacy to entertainment, can relieve some distress when the spouse is unable to deliver
Orbuch adds that shifting the way we talk about marriage, from “happy” to “flourishing,” also takes the pressure off of women who may have bought into the “happily ever after” scenario. In a flourishing relationship, partners support each other’s growth while maintaining their independence. “Commitment — rather than emotional or pleasurable satisfaction — becomes central,” Orbuch explains.
For many older women, leaving a marriage isn’t always possible due to financial constraints, health issues or other obligations. Orbuch insists women can still find “a personal island of contentment” within an unsatisfying marriage, provided there is no abuse. It starts with “knowing your why” — why you are staying.
There are many reasons people stay in a marriage, and often happiness is not one of them. Knowing that you are staying due to children, financial status, fear of the unknown, ill health, loyalty, or something else can give you a sense of control and acceptance.
Orbuch’s strategies, as well as my own experiences, suggest that couples can go the distance by identifying and adjusting expectations, and by managing (or refusing to be riled by) ongoing conflict, while keeping our own lives fulfilling and interesting.
“Some relationships can be functional without being fulfilling, while others may be fulfilling but unsustainable,” notes Orbuch. “Recognizing the difference can help women make realistic, empowered choices.”
In my own marriage, there have most certainly been periods of ambivalence, frustration, dissatisfaction and anger. My feelings about my husband’s career success when I was floundering were a wedge between us for 10 years. During this time, we went to individual and marriage counseling, and I talked endlessly to trusted friends.
It was only when I finally stopped focusing on what my husband had, and instead focused on what I wanted, that I found, in Orbuch’s words, my “island of contentment,” which revolved around my writing and painting. This relieved the pressure on our relationship and allowed us to find our way back to a place of mutual respect and shared contentment.
What research and online platforms clearly show us, though, is that women can thrive whether they leave or stay in a relationship. The key to satisfaction lies in having a true understanding of oneself, realistic expectations and accepting what isn’t fixable, as well as deepening connections whenever possible.
And, of course, fostering a loving and healthy relationship with ourselves.
What do you think? Why do you believe so many are unhappy in their long marriage? Let us know in the comments below.
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